I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Randomize
