hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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