note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
