probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
