I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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