I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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