i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
