Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
