I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
