Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
