You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
