I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize