That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
