I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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