I am puke
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
