What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
