I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
