Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize