I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
