12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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