Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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