The best revenge is premature balding
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
