THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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