They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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