her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
