apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
