Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
