saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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