there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
