I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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