cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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