so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
