My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
