I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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