I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
