there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
