His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
