I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
