peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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