And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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