my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
