I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
