i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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