based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
