It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
