The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
