i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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