Where did you get a picture of my penis
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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