I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
