I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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