we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
