i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
