i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
