Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
