I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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