I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
