you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
