Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize