If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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