I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
cat food counts as protein by the way
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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