awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
