I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You've changed since you got that strap on
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