I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
did i walk over a car last night?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
