so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
