I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
