Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
