Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
