2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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