I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
