I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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