in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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