Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
