I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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