I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
