My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
