sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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