he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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